Summary of the last weekend. There’s only two issues that I’m going to highlight it here. One is something got to do with money..money..money ( sing it like the Apprentice theme song!). Well the other one, is the recent progress about the guy that I met offshore. For easy reference, let me just label him as AHZ.
The accountant quit her job middle of last month, since then, the financial aspect of the company become chaotic. I receive my pay check quite late last month, left alone my allowance. Then I constantly receiving phone call that contain very much similar sentence that sounded something like this “ Dear our valued customer, we are blaa…blaaa.bla..to remind u that your bla..bla..bla…payment is due on tooooot”. Isn’t it funny coz most of the time the flowrate of the “fulus” that is debited into your account is much much slower than the amount that is credited from.
And my first love (that is my beloved Gen2), needed to be sent for major maintenance ( which gonna cost me somewhere around RM 300), and I just change one of the tire that cost me almost RM 200 ( for heaven’s sake, I just change the whole set on August- congratulation ita- u get your self a new tire for driving up the divider! )
Try to ring some frenz who owe me a little, the funny things is, none were picking up! Damn, this is one of the reason why I hate to lend frenz some fulus. And why I hate to borrowed from some. As I always mentioned “ when it come to money, frenz were no longer frenz”.
The moment I realized bout this fact of life few years back, I’ve started to develop a new habit, which is “cari duit sebanyak mungkin selagi muda”. Sorry guys, I practically lost almost everything a little over a year ago, so I’m in the midst of trying to get back all that I once have. So u might see the materialistic side of me. But still, I feel like kicking my own butt ( if I could) for being too nice. Baru nak ader saving sikit, the moment frenz come and make that pity face asking for some cash, my heart melted! Damn it ita…….think about yourself first!
As promise, the second part, is about the AHZ guy. Due to positive moral support that I’ve receive from u guys, ( and because I’m tired of thinking “ if he really the rite one, just give it a shot, and because I’ m feeling the pressure from weight of the things that remain unspoken) , I wrote him a message, in his frendster. Just a nice email, that contain issues relating to the project that I’m working on (and him to monitor) –and I swear to GOD, there’s no such words as “love”, “like”, “ adore” or anything that convey the same meaning for that matters.
I’ve been waiting for days, and finally, when he log in into his account (last 24 hr) he didn’t reply. Hmmmmmm..i should have known. I’m sucks at this! My frenz say that I need to stop being too honest and straightforward, that I should learn to dance around the bush. Looking back, I wonder if there’s anything wrong with my approach. I befriend with the one that trigger my interest for a while, after sometimes, when I become more “cozy”, I normally ask him out and tell him “ is it ok if I would like to know you better?”
Its not that I’m falling in love, it just that I just wanna see if there is this thing that I called compatibility between us both. But then, for the past 1 year, I’ve approached (with the same method) 3 guys, but none was successful. The 1st guys, had some family issue, which later he decided to forget about relationship issue for a while, the 2nd guy- well he kindda have a thing for other girl while the 3rd one- he’s taken!
Owh…come on give me break will ya! . I’m tired of screening for the suitable alpha male to lead my someday pack! Too tired that most of the time when people ask me “ biler nak kawen?” I just told them “ entah la, malas nak piker!”
Sometimes, I’m just sooo sick of this “trying to find the suitable one (not the perfect one since I believe that there’s no such things as perfect!), so sick that I’ve even thinking of just gamble jer la settle down with anybody, maybe something is better than nothing . Yer ker???...Boleh ker???? .I guess the last guy that approach me, I turn him down because, he’s 5 yr my junior!!!!
Or I just put up an advertisement that read “ Single lady looking for serious relationship, 26yrs old ( turns 27 in few days!), not ugly but not really a super model, funny, witty, smart ..bla..bla..” Wow…..what a confession, ita ! ...ANYONE???!!!!!
******KORORO******
Monday, March 3, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
That 1 moment in time
Today, I’m going to write the post in my most natural way…the “sempoi” way.
Few days back, 1 of my biggest wish was granted. I finally manage to set foot on an offshore oil platform. Of course, since I’m in charge of the project, I was given the liberty to pay a visit to the respected project platform. All I can say is…” WOW…what an experience!”
There, right in the middle of the ocean, in the most awkwardly strange place destined by GOD, I met him.
He is just another ordinary average Joe, but the 1st time I lay my eyes on him, there is this strange feeling inside me ( well of course, it was 6.30 in the morning, and we have to attend the morning briefing- the strange feeling is maybe bcz I’m still sleepy). The 1st time we’ve spoken, I was dumbstruck, stunned, blurred and the only body part that was moving during that moment are my eyelid. Terkebil-kebil mcm ayam berak kapur!. Trying so hard to rationalized everything and trying to remember “ what am I doing here n what am I supposed to do”
I suddenly found myself tersengih-sengih, uglier than kerang busuk, despite the fact that I’m currently in a meeting attended by all the highly experienced personnel on board. I looked at him, and notice that he was laughing at me ( I guess he must have been laughing at my ugly sengih-uglier than the kerang). Honestly speaking, I’ve never fell dumber than this in my whole life, keep on wondering, what’s gotten into me?
Still, for the remaining 72 hr that I need to be onboard, I bump into him, on the aisle, in the dining hall, during presentation bla…bla…bla.. And each and everytime, I found myself suddenly become clumsy. Words that come out from my mouth, jadi pelik, things that I did, suddenly jadi tak betul. Those things that happened during those 3 day I spend on board, are soooo not me, for I have the reputation as a no-nonsense, stone hearted, and mulut laser.
Life is funny most of the time. One day u wake up, u met this stranger, u didn’t even know his name and u are sure as hell that u will never see him again, but your hunch tell you that “he’s the one”. Its not that u’ve suddenly fall in love, neither u are flirting, but I feels like someone telling u that “ my dear, he is the one that u’ve been waiting for”.
And then deep in your heart, u know that you’ll never have him in your life.
To U, I wish u a great life, u really deserve it, coz u are really special in your own way ( at least for me)
Few days back, 1 of my biggest wish was granted. I finally manage to set foot on an offshore oil platform. Of course, since I’m in charge of the project, I was given the liberty to pay a visit to the respected project platform. All I can say is…” WOW…what an experience!”
There, right in the middle of the ocean, in the most awkwardly strange place destined by GOD, I met him.
He is just another ordinary average Joe, but the 1st time I lay my eyes on him, there is this strange feeling inside me ( well of course, it was 6.30 in the morning, and we have to attend the morning briefing- the strange feeling is maybe bcz I’m still sleepy). The 1st time we’ve spoken, I was dumbstruck, stunned, blurred and the only body part that was moving during that moment are my eyelid. Terkebil-kebil mcm ayam berak kapur!. Trying so hard to rationalized everything and trying to remember “ what am I doing here n what am I supposed to do”
I suddenly found myself tersengih-sengih, uglier than kerang busuk, despite the fact that I’m currently in a meeting attended by all the highly experienced personnel on board. I looked at him, and notice that he was laughing at me ( I guess he must have been laughing at my ugly sengih-uglier than the kerang). Honestly speaking, I’ve never fell dumber than this in my whole life, keep on wondering, what’s gotten into me?
Still, for the remaining 72 hr that I need to be onboard, I bump into him, on the aisle, in the dining hall, during presentation bla…bla…bla.. And each and everytime, I found myself suddenly become clumsy. Words that come out from my mouth, jadi pelik, things that I did, suddenly jadi tak betul. Those things that happened during those 3 day I spend on board, are soooo not me, for I have the reputation as a no-nonsense, stone hearted, and mulut laser.
Life is funny most of the time. One day u wake up, u met this stranger, u didn’t even know his name and u are sure as hell that u will never see him again, but your hunch tell you that “he’s the one”. Its not that u’ve suddenly fall in love, neither u are flirting, but I feels like someone telling u that “ my dear, he is the one that u’ve been waiting for”.
And then deep in your heart, u know that you’ll never have him in your life.
To U, I wish u a great life, u really deserve it, coz u are really special in your own way ( at least for me)
Monday, January 28, 2008
Another reality of life .......ANNA
It is still raining heavily outside, but still, Anna refused to switch off the air conditioner. Instead, she opt to wrap her self and her companion with the white comforter of the king size bed. “This is how I like it” she said. The soft murmured that come out of her less than pouty lips indicated that she all too sleepy to bother for anymore conversation with her gentleman of the night.
The question of “should or shouldn’t I do this” has long gone, together with few hundred bucks that she handed over to the man next to her. Anna having the difficulties to explain why she did what she did. There’s no concrete reason, it just that, now, at these instant, this is just the only way. Its been months now , since Anna started to feel the heat of her own ambition. Since the past few months, she been questioning her own sensibility.
Is it worth it? Is my dream worth all the burden?
****************************************************
Anna had this blur strings of memory of her childhood. She can recall what ordeal that she has to go thru, her entire life. But she’s only able to recall only the surface of that vast memories, not to penetrate to the depth of it. At one corner of her mind, she’s actually thankful that the incident where she knocked her head, had prevented her from remembering all the hurtful memories of her childhood.
As far as Anna could recall, she did not have even a blured memories of having a decent family. All she knows that her parents separated when she was barely 2 years old. Her mother left to be in the arm of another man. And Anna since then live with strangers, aunties and grannies, until the day her father come and claimed her, it was years later. But still there’ is one face that Anna hope to show up at her doorstep. It was the face of the woman that gave birth to her. Now, looking back at those memories, Anna regretted the amount of love she held in her heart for her, for she clearly did not worth that amount of love.
Anna could still recall, the joy she felt when her mother finally showed up, to claim her, with a promise of a better life, far more than what her underprivileged estate working father can give. A promise that definitely swept any 9 years old bubbly little girl off her feet. Little that Anna knew that for the next 2 years of her life, she’ll be living in hell, sustaining physical and emotional abuse due to her mother bad temperament, and sexual violence from her mother’s then boy friend whom she called “AYAH”.
And Anna definitely could still recall the looked on her mother’s face when she told her that AYAH forcefully stripped her off her cloth and force his manhood into her. She turn away, yes she turn away from her only daughter. Anna couldn’t remember how many time the beast that she called “AYAH” raped her poor 10 years old body. “Too painful to recall” she said. All she can remember is, how she cried and cried and how she hate God for not answering her prayers, for not being fair to her. And thus that being the reason why Anna grow up choosing to abandoned religion and to deny love to and from any human being.
She admit that God does exist, but she failed to make herself believe that GOD was kind to her. And Anna had never put any hope on anyone either. “What’s the point?” she said, “they’ll hurt me in one way or another”. Anna, use to hate and fear men, but not any more, now she just find it too difficult to trust them, let alone love them. Anna trust and believe only herself, only herself. Time has successfully transform Anna from once an ugly duckling to an amazing swan who turns head with her alluring charm and poise and wit and intelligent. But Anna also possesses the kind of rudeness, stubbornness and rebelliousness like no one had ever seen before. The kind which left others with a lingering question,….. “ what is wrong with this charming lady?”.
************************************************** *******
Anna woke up from her deep slumber, the warmth clinch that accompany her sleep hours ago are now gone. She didn’t expect for her companion to still be here once she open her eyes. As far as she concern, the gentleman, has fully submit to the professionalism of his job, by respecting Anna’s one and only order for the night. Which is just talking; and snuggling but no SEX. As outrages as it may sound, Anna are all too well to understand the condemn and insult that she has to put up with if others were to know of her recent development. How desperate can Anna be? To pay a stranger just to hug her and talk to her, in an intelligent way.
Yes, probably Anna is too desperate, but conclusively Anna is neither desperate for SEX, nor money. She is just too desperate to find someone that she can talk to and offer her cares and gentleness. Someone who can look right thru her, and saw the scars of her broken heart. Someone who would take her by the hand and show it that there is still kindness in this life, and to make her believe that she herself deserve a second chance to feel happy.
As Anna looked out to the mosque right across the park, she reflected back on her journey to change her destiny that she initiated more than a year ago. How she intricately trying to change herself to the better, to once again humbly bow to her creator after so many long years of grudge, to leave behind all her wild partying with the girls, smoking and prescribed drug just to help her to ease the pain. To start everything back at square one, a wonderful career, a new found circle of friends, a totally new way of life.
Sound good huh?!..but not so, not when some people with the attitude of “I’m way better than thou”, insisted Anna to push herself to become a better person, at a rate that she can’t barely handle. When those people who supposed to show Anna the light that is supposedly guide her home told her that what she been doing now is not enough to promise her heaven, Anna broke down and cry. “ how could they condemn me for not trying hard enough?. Didn’t they see the burden that I had to carry, that slowing me down”.
As Anna weep and weep again, her heart now begin to accept, that maybe, she was not be destined for even a glance of heaven……………..
The questions now people, are :
1) is anna to be blame for choosing to give up trying to change her life.
2) is she a slut for paying a stranger just to pretend that he understands how she feels about life. 3) Have we, the sometimes self claim "i'm way better than thou" done enough just to understand Anna.
Sound too disgrace to be true??, maybe some people are due for a reality check. This is life thou.Welcome to the real world.....
The question of “should or shouldn’t I do this” has long gone, together with few hundred bucks that she handed over to the man next to her. Anna having the difficulties to explain why she did what she did. There’s no concrete reason, it just that, now, at these instant, this is just the only way. Its been months now , since Anna started to feel the heat of her own ambition. Since the past few months, she been questioning her own sensibility.
Is it worth it? Is my dream worth all the burden?
****************************************************
Anna had this blur strings of memory of her childhood. She can recall what ordeal that she has to go thru, her entire life. But she’s only able to recall only the surface of that vast memories, not to penetrate to the depth of it. At one corner of her mind, she’s actually thankful that the incident where she knocked her head, had prevented her from remembering all the hurtful memories of her childhood.
As far as Anna could recall, she did not have even a blured memories of having a decent family. All she knows that her parents separated when she was barely 2 years old. Her mother left to be in the arm of another man. And Anna since then live with strangers, aunties and grannies, until the day her father come and claimed her, it was years later. But still there’ is one face that Anna hope to show up at her doorstep. It was the face of the woman that gave birth to her. Now, looking back at those memories, Anna regretted the amount of love she held in her heart for her, for she clearly did not worth that amount of love.
Anna could still recall, the joy she felt when her mother finally showed up, to claim her, with a promise of a better life, far more than what her underprivileged estate working father can give. A promise that definitely swept any 9 years old bubbly little girl off her feet. Little that Anna knew that for the next 2 years of her life, she’ll be living in hell, sustaining physical and emotional abuse due to her mother bad temperament, and sexual violence from her mother’s then boy friend whom she called “AYAH”.
And Anna definitely could still recall the looked on her mother’s face when she told her that AYAH forcefully stripped her off her cloth and force his manhood into her. She turn away, yes she turn away from her only daughter. Anna couldn’t remember how many time the beast that she called “AYAH” raped her poor 10 years old body. “Too painful to recall” she said. All she can remember is, how she cried and cried and how she hate God for not answering her prayers, for not being fair to her. And thus that being the reason why Anna grow up choosing to abandoned religion and to deny love to and from any human being.
She admit that God does exist, but she failed to make herself believe that GOD was kind to her. And Anna had never put any hope on anyone either. “What’s the point?” she said, “they’ll hurt me in one way or another”. Anna, use to hate and fear men, but not any more, now she just find it too difficult to trust them, let alone love them. Anna trust and believe only herself, only herself. Time has successfully transform Anna from once an ugly duckling to an amazing swan who turns head with her alluring charm and poise and wit and intelligent. But Anna also possesses the kind of rudeness, stubbornness and rebelliousness like no one had ever seen before. The kind which left others with a lingering question,….. “ what is wrong with this charming lady?”.
************************************************** *******
Anna woke up from her deep slumber, the warmth clinch that accompany her sleep hours ago are now gone. She didn’t expect for her companion to still be here once she open her eyes. As far as she concern, the gentleman, has fully submit to the professionalism of his job, by respecting Anna’s one and only order for the night. Which is just talking; and snuggling but no SEX. As outrages as it may sound, Anna are all too well to understand the condemn and insult that she has to put up with if others were to know of her recent development. How desperate can Anna be? To pay a stranger just to hug her and talk to her, in an intelligent way.
Yes, probably Anna is too desperate, but conclusively Anna is neither desperate for SEX, nor money. She is just too desperate to find someone that she can talk to and offer her cares and gentleness. Someone who can look right thru her, and saw the scars of her broken heart. Someone who would take her by the hand and show it that there is still kindness in this life, and to make her believe that she herself deserve a second chance to feel happy.
As Anna looked out to the mosque right across the park, she reflected back on her journey to change her destiny that she initiated more than a year ago. How she intricately trying to change herself to the better, to once again humbly bow to her creator after so many long years of grudge, to leave behind all her wild partying with the girls, smoking and prescribed drug just to help her to ease the pain. To start everything back at square one, a wonderful career, a new found circle of friends, a totally new way of life.
Sound good huh?!..but not so, not when some people with the attitude of “I’m way better than thou”, insisted Anna to push herself to become a better person, at a rate that she can’t barely handle. When those people who supposed to show Anna the light that is supposedly guide her home told her that what she been doing now is not enough to promise her heaven, Anna broke down and cry. “ how could they condemn me for not trying hard enough?. Didn’t they see the burden that I had to carry, that slowing me down”.
As Anna weep and weep again, her heart now begin to accept, that maybe, she was not be destined for even a glance of heaven……………..
The questions now people, are :
1) is anna to be blame for choosing to give up trying to change her life.
2) is she a slut for paying a stranger just to pretend that he understands how she feels about life. 3) Have we, the sometimes self claim "i'm way better than thou" done enough just to understand Anna.
Sound too disgrace to be true??, maybe some people are due for a reality check. This is life thou.Welcome to the real world.....
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A story about sacrifices.
Hi there,.................... its been a while since the last post. I've been extremely busy since the past month. FYI...i just came back from my day trip to Kemaman yesterday.
You know what..... i believe and i knew that things are progressing really positively for my career path since the past few months. The Angsi project which i hand in hand lead together with another enginneer, are now reaching its "steady state" phase. And God permits, were are going to set our foot on the Angsi platform in the next 2 weeks time.
Also, due to my hardwork, i am now one of the key person in the company future bread and butter, the GTL project. Hmmmmmm things are developing wonderfully right?, just as i wished for.
Yes, i wish for this, and i supposed to feel nothing less than happier or extremely delighted. But to tell you the truth, since the past 2 weeks, i barely sleep soundly. And i have to confess that this morning, when i arrived at the office, looking at my table, where i found another two more new tender documents on my table, i broke down and weep silently in my cubicle.
I dont know....i just dont know why, but suddenly i felt that i could not held back the tears anymore. Its not that i'm sad, but i just feel that i cant take it anymore. Its not that i'm whinning bout my work responsibilities, it just that suddenly i feel an unbearable pressure. Its not that i have a dozen project to monitor, neither it is a 50 million dollars worth of contract that i need to make a decision of. But it just that i feel amiss bout the whole things.
i guess its probably due to my own expectations towards my own self. For the things that i cared the most, I always set the bar a little bit higher towards myself, higher than other's expectation towards me. Its a good attitude though, but i guess this time, it went back fired. I'm feeling the heat of my own expectations. I hate it when ever i sense that there's someone better than me. I guess i have the attitude of " i have to be better than others". The truth is, there's someone in the office whom has become my rival. i know that i'm still way better than her, but the fact that she trying to make an effort to overshadow my capabilities, upset me.I felt the urge of a constants need to improved myself, untill i finally felt tired.
Yes, i guess that is the word that i've been looking for, TIRED or worst WORN OUT. I guess u must be wondering, what on earth that i did that exhaust me. I guess it because i keep on pushing myself to the max. I bet everybody gonna say that determination is the best virtue of all, in pursuing your dream. But i also bet that no one ever told you that determination without a concrete supporting element will lead to disaster. I never knew about this and no one care to let me know about this, but should i blame these people? I guess not, since each and everyone of us also was not warned bout this, i believe everyone too learn bout this reality of life from the greatest teacher of all, the experience.
I guess i'm just longing for a familiar face, with familiar smile, familiar voice and certainly, a very familiar warm comforting hug. A familiarity whom i called a shoulder to cry on. But i presume, this must be the price that i have to pay for in order for me to accomplish my dream.
This is what i called "Sacrifices"...and as i'm typing the last words of this posting, my heart still aches eventhough my tears has long gone.................
...................................................KORORO..............................
You know what..... i believe and i knew that things are progressing really positively for my career path since the past few months. The Angsi project which i hand in hand lead together with another enginneer, are now reaching its "steady state" phase. And God permits, were are going to set our foot on the Angsi platform in the next 2 weeks time.
Also, due to my hardwork, i am now one of the key person in the company future bread and butter, the GTL project. Hmmmmmm things are developing wonderfully right?, just as i wished for.
Yes, i wish for this, and i supposed to feel nothing less than happier or extremely delighted. But to tell you the truth, since the past 2 weeks, i barely sleep soundly. And i have to confess that this morning, when i arrived at the office, looking at my table, where i found another two more new tender documents on my table, i broke down and weep silently in my cubicle.
I dont know....i just dont know why, but suddenly i felt that i could not held back the tears anymore. Its not that i'm sad, but i just feel that i cant take it anymore. Its not that i'm whinning bout my work responsibilities, it just that suddenly i feel an unbearable pressure. Its not that i have a dozen project to monitor, neither it is a 50 million dollars worth of contract that i need to make a decision of. But it just that i feel amiss bout the whole things.
i guess its probably due to my own expectations towards my own self. For the things that i cared the most, I always set the bar a little bit higher towards myself, higher than other's expectation towards me. Its a good attitude though, but i guess this time, it went back fired. I'm feeling the heat of my own expectations. I hate it when ever i sense that there's someone better than me. I guess i have the attitude of " i have to be better than others". The truth is, there's someone in the office whom has become my rival. i know that i'm still way better than her, but the fact that she trying to make an effort to overshadow my capabilities, upset me.I felt the urge of a constants need to improved myself, untill i finally felt tired.
Yes, i guess that is the word that i've been looking for, TIRED or worst WORN OUT. I guess u must be wondering, what on earth that i did that exhaust me. I guess it because i keep on pushing myself to the max. I bet everybody gonna say that determination is the best virtue of all, in pursuing your dream. But i also bet that no one ever told you that determination without a concrete supporting element will lead to disaster. I never knew about this and no one care to let me know about this, but should i blame these people? I guess not, since each and everyone of us also was not warned bout this, i believe everyone too learn bout this reality of life from the greatest teacher of all, the experience.
I guess i'm just longing for a familiar face, with familiar smile, familiar voice and certainly, a very familiar warm comforting hug. A familiarity whom i called a shoulder to cry on. But i presume, this must be the price that i have to pay for in order for me to accomplish my dream.
This is what i called "Sacrifices"...and as i'm typing the last words of this posting, my heart still aches eventhough my tears has long gone.................
...................................................KORORO..............................
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