KORORO

Summary of last weekend!

2008-03-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

Summary of the last weekend. There’s only two issues that I’m going to highlight it here. One is something got to do with money..money..money ( sing it like the Apprentice theme song!). Well the other one, is the recent progress about the guy that I met offshore. For easy reference, let me just label him as AHZ.

The accountant quit her job middle of last month, since then, the financial aspect of the company become chaotic. I receive my pay check quite late last month, left alone my allowance. Then I constantly receiving phone call that contain very much similar sentence that sounded something like this “ Dear our valued customer, we are blaa…blaaa.bla..to remind u that your bla..bla..bla…payment is due on tooooot”. Isn’t it funny coz most of the time the flowrate of the “fulus” that is debited into your account is much much slower than the amount that is credited from.

And my first love (that is my beloved Gen2), needed to be sent for major maintenance ( which gonna cost me somewhere around RM 300), and I just change one of the tire that cost me almost RM 200 ( for heaven’s sake, I just change the whole set on August- congratulation ita- u get your self a new tire for driving up the divider! )

Try to ring some frenz who owe me a little, the funny things is, none were picking up! Damn, this is one of the reason why I hate to lend frenz some fulus. And why I hate to borrowed from some. As I always mentioned “ when it come to money, frenz were no longer frenz”.

The moment I realized bout this fact of life few years back, I’ve started to develop a new habit, which is “cari duit sebanyak mungkin selagi muda”. Sorry guys, I practically lost almost everything a little over a year ago, so I’m in the midst of trying to get back all that I once have. So u might see the materialistic side of me. But still, I feel like kicking my own butt ( if I could) for being too nice. Baru nak ader saving sikit, the moment frenz come and make that pity face asking for some cash, my heart melted! Damn it ita…….think about yourself first!

As promise, the second part, is about the AHZ guy. Due to positive moral support that I’ve receive from u guys, ( and because I’m tired of thinking “ if he really the rite one, just give it a shot, and because I’ m feeling the pressure from weight of the things that remain unspoken) , I wrote him a message, in his frendster. Just a nice email, that contain issues relating to the project that I’m working on (and him to monitor) –and I swear to GOD, there’s no such words as “love”, “like”, “ adore” or anything that convey the same meaning for that matters.

I’ve been waiting for days, and finally, when he log in into his account (last 24 hr) he didn’t reply. Hmmmmmm..i should have known. I’m sucks at this! My frenz say that I need to stop being too honest and straightforward, that I should learn to dance around the bush. Looking back, I wonder if there’s anything wrong with my approach. I befriend with the one that trigger my interest for a while, after sometimes, when I become more “cozy”, I normally ask him out and tell him “ is it ok if I would like to know you better?”

Its not that I’m falling in love, it just that I just wanna see if there is this thing that I called compatibility between us both. But then, for the past 1 year, I’ve approached (with the same method) 3 guys, but none was successful. The 1st guys, had some family issue, which later he decided to forget about relationship issue for a while, the 2nd guy- well he kindda have a thing for other girl while the 3rd one- he’s taken!

Owh…come on give me break will ya! . I’m tired of screening for the suitable alpha male to lead my someday pack! Too tired that most of the time when people ask me “ biler nak kawen?” I just told them “ entah la, malas nak piker!”

Sometimes, I’m just sooo sick of this “trying to find the suitable one (not the perfect one since I believe that there’s no such things as perfect!), so sick that I’ve even thinking of just gamble jer la settle down with anybody, maybe something is better than nothing . Yer ker???...Boleh ker???? .I guess the last guy that approach me, I turn him down because, he’s 5 yr my junior!!!!

Or I just put up an advertisement that read “ Single lady looking for serious relationship, 26yrs old ( turns 27 in few days!), not ugly but not really a super model, funny, witty, smart ..bla..bla..” Wow…..what a confession, ita ! ...ANYONE???!!!!!

******KORORO******

That 1 moment in time

2008-02-27T20:55:00.000-08:00

Today, I’m going to write the post in my most natural way…the “sempoi” way.

Few days back, 1 of my biggest wish was granted. I finally manage to set foot on an offshore oil platform. Of course, since I’m in charge of the project, I was given the liberty to pay a visit to the respected project platform. All I can say is…” WOW…what an experience!”

There, right in the middle of the ocean, in the most awkwardly strange place destined by GOD, I met him.

He is just another ordinary average Joe, but the 1st time I lay my eyes on him, there is this strange feeling inside me ( well of course, it was 6.30 in the morning, and we have to attend the morning briefing- the strange feeling is maybe bcz I’m still sleepy). The 1st time we’ve spoken, I was dumbstruck, stunned, blurred and the only body part that was moving during that moment are my eyelid. Terkebil-kebil mcm ayam berak kapur!. Trying so hard to rationalized everything and trying to remember “ what am I doing here n what am I supposed to do”

I suddenly found myself tersengih-sengih, uglier than kerang busuk, despite the fact that I’m currently in a meeting attended by all the highly experienced personnel on board. I looked at him, and notice that he was laughing at me ( I guess he must have been laughing at my ugly sengih-uglier than the kerang). Honestly speaking, I’ve never fell dumber than this in my whole life, keep on wondering, what’s gotten into me?

Still, for the remaining 72 hr that I need to be onboard, I bump into him, on the aisle, in the dining hall, during presentation bla…bla…bla.. And each and everytime, I found myself suddenly become clumsy. Words that come out from my mouth, jadi pelik, things that I did, suddenly jadi tak betul. Those things that happened during those 3 day I spend on board, are soooo not me, for I have the reputation as a no-nonsense, stone hearted, and mulut laser.

Life is funny most of the time. One day u wake up, u met this stranger, u didn’t even know his name and u are sure as hell that u will never see him again, but your hunch tell you that “he’s the one”. Its not that u’ve suddenly fall in love, neither u are flirting, but I feels like someone telling u that “ my dear, he is the one that u’ve been waiting for”.

And then deep in your heart, u know that you’ll never have him in your life.

To U, I wish u a great life, u really deserve it, coz u are really special in your own way ( at least for me)

Another reality of life .......ANNA

2008-01-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

It is still raining heavily outside, but still, Anna refused to switch off the air conditioner. Instead, she opt to wrap her self and her companion with the white comforter of the king size bed. “This is how I like it” she said. The soft murmured that come out of her less than pouty lips indicated that she all too sleepy to bother for anymore conversation with her gentleman of the night.

The question of “should or shouldn’t I do this” has long gone, together with few hundred bucks that she handed over to the man next to her. Anna having the difficulties to explain why she did what she did. There’s no concrete reason, it just that, now, at these instant, this is just the only way. Its been months now , since Anna started to feel the heat of her own ambition. Since the past few months, she been questioning her own sensibility.

Is it worth it? Is my dream worth all the burden?

****************************************************
Anna had this blur strings of memory of her childhood. She can recall what ordeal that she has to go thru, her entire life. But she’s only able to recall only the surface of that vast memories, not to penetrate to the depth of it. At one corner of her mind, she’s actually thankful that the incident where she knocked her head, had prevented her from remembering all the hurtful memories of her childhood.

As far as Anna could recall, she did not have even a blured memories of having a decent family. All she knows that her parents separated when she was barely 2 years old. Her mother left to be in the arm of another man. And Anna since then live with strangers, aunties and grannies, until the day her father come and claimed her, it was years later. But still there’ is one face that Anna hope to show up at her doorstep. It was the face of the woman that gave birth to her. Now, looking back at those memories, Anna regretted the amount of love she held in her heart for her, for she clearly did not worth that amount of love.

Anna could still recall, the joy she felt when her mother finally showed up, to claim her, with a promise of a better life, far more than what her underprivileged estate working father can give. A promise that definitely swept any 9 years old bubbly little girl off her feet. Little that Anna knew that for the next 2 years of her life, she’ll be living in hell, sustaining physical and emotional abuse due to her mother bad temperament, and sexual violence from her mother’s then boy friend whom she called “AYAH”.

And Anna definitely could still recall the looked on her mother’s face when she told her that AYAH forcefully stripped her off her cloth and force his manhood into her. She turn away, yes she turn away from her only daughter. Anna couldn’t remember how many time the beast that she called “AYAH” raped her poor 10 years old body. “Too painful to recall” she said. All she can remember is, how she cried and cried and how she hate God for not answering her prayers, for not being fair to her. And thus that being the reason why Anna grow up choosing to abandoned religion and to deny love to and from any human being.

She admit that God does exist, but she failed to make herself believe that GOD was kind to her. And Anna had never put any hope on anyone either. “What’s the point?” she said, “they’ll hurt me in one way or another”. Anna, use to hate and fear men, but not any more, now she just find it too difficult to trust them, let alone love them. Anna trust and believe only herself, only herself. Time has successfully transform Anna from once an ugly duckling to an amazing swan who turns head with her alluring charm and poise and wit and intelligent. But Anna also possesses the kind of rudeness, stubbornness and rebelliousness like no one had ever seen before. The kind which left others with a lingering question,….. “ what is wrong with this charming lady?”.

************************************************** *******

Anna woke up from her deep slumber, the warmth clinch that accompany her sleep hours ago are now gone. She didn’t expect for her companion to still be here once she open her eyes. As far as she concern, the gentleman, has fully submit to the professionalism of his job, by respecting Anna’s one and only order for the night. Which is just talking; and snuggling but no SEX. As outrages as it may sound, Anna are all too well to understand the condemn and insult that she has to put up with if others were to know of her recent development. How desperate can Anna be? To pay a stranger just to hug her and talk to her, in an intelligent way.

Yes, probably Anna is too desperate, but conclusively Anna is neither desperate for SEX, nor money. She is just too desperate to find someone that she can talk to and offer her cares and gentleness. Someone who can look right thru her, and saw the scars of her broken heart. Someone who would take her by the hand and show it that there is still kindness in this life, and to make her believe that she herself deserve a second chance to feel happy.

As Anna looked out to the mosque right across the park, she reflected back on her journey to change her destiny that she initiated more than a year ago. How she intricately trying to change herself to the better, to once again humbly bow to her creator after so many long years of grudge, to leave behind all her wild partying with the girls, smoking and prescribed drug just to help her to ease the pain. To start everything back at square one, a wonderful career, a new found circle of friends, a totally new way of life.

Sound good huh?!..but not so, not when some people with the attitude of “I’m way better than thou”, insisted Anna to push herself to become a better person, at a rate that she can’t barely handle. When those people who supposed to show Anna the light that is supposedly guide her home told her that what she been doing now is not enough to promise her heaven, Anna broke down and cry. “ how could they condemn me for not trying hard enough?. Didn’t they see the burden that I had to carry, that slowing me down”.

As Anna weep and weep again, her heart now begin to accept, that maybe, she was not be destined for even a glance of heaven……………..

The questions now people, are :
1) is anna to be blame for choosing to give up trying to change her life.
2) is she a slut for paying a stranger just to pretend that he understands how she feels about life. 3) Have we, the sometimes self claim "i'm way better than thou" done enough just to understand Anna.

Sound too disgrace to be true??, maybe some people are due for a reality check. This is life thou.Welcome to the real world.....

A story about sacrifices.

2008-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

Hi there,.................... its been a while since the last post. I've been extremely busy since the past month. FYI...i just came back from my day trip to Kemaman yesterday.

You know what..... i believe and i knew that things are progressing really positively for my career path since the past few months. The Angsi project which i hand in hand lead together with another enginneer, are now reaching its "steady state" phase. And God permits, were are going to set our foot on the Angsi platform in the next 2 weeks time.

Also, due to my hardwork, i am now one of the key person in the company future bread and butter, the GTL project. Hmmmmmm things are developing wonderfully right?, just as i wished for.

Yes, i wish for this, and i supposed to feel nothing less than happier or extremely delighted. But to tell you the truth, since the past 2 weeks, i barely sleep soundly. And i have to confess that this morning, when i arrived at the office, looking at my table, where i found another two more new tender documents on my table, i broke down and weep silently in my cubicle.

I dont know....i just dont know why, but suddenly i felt that i could not held back the tears anymore. Its not that i'm sad, but i just feel that i cant take it anymore. Its not that i'm whinning bout my work responsibilities, it just that suddenly i feel an unbearable pressure. Its not that i have a dozen project to monitor, neither it is a 50 million dollars worth of contract that i need to make a decision of. But it just that i feel amiss bout the whole things.

i guess its probably due to my own expectations towards my own self. For the things that i cared the most, I always set the bar a little bit higher towards myself, higher than other's expectation towards me. Its a good attitude though, but i guess this time, it went back fired. I'm feeling the heat of my own expectations. I hate it when ever i sense that there's someone better than me. I guess i have the attitude of " i have to be better than others". The truth is, there's someone in the office whom has become my rival. i know that i'm still way better than her, but the fact that she trying to make an effort to overshadow my capabilities, upset me.I felt the urge of a constants need to improved myself, untill i finally felt tired.

Yes, i guess that is the word that i've been looking for, TIRED or worst WORN OUT. I guess u must be wondering, what on earth that i did that exhaust me. I guess it because i keep on pushing myself to the max. I bet everybody gonna say that determination is the best virtue of all, in pursuing your dream. But i also bet that no one ever told you that determination without a concrete supporting element will lead to disaster. I never knew about this and no one care to let me know about this, but should i blame these people? I guess not, since each and everyone of us also was not warned bout this, i believe everyone too learn bout this reality of life from the greatest teacher of all, the experience.

I guess i'm just longing for a familiar face, with familiar smile, familiar voice and certainly, a very familiar warm comforting hug. A familiarity whom i called a shoulder to cry on. But i presume, this must be the price that i have to pay for in order for me to accomplish my dream.

This is what i called "Sacrifices"...and as i'm typing the last words of this posting, my heart still aches eventhough my tears has long gone.................

...................................................KORORO..............................

My mom....the fighter

2007-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

This one is for you mom........

Dear mom,

It has been more than two years since we last spoken to each other. I know, its sounds odd and out of the normality. But i'm not sorry that i've left. People who didnt know our situation, thinks that i'm ungratefull, for doing this, but as i said....they didn't know.It for the best of both of us.

Mom,

Before this, i can hardly have anything positive to say about u. My close and dearest frenz knew that its very rare for me to talk about u. I've never even mention your name. There's only anger and dissapointment when i think about you. Am i that bad mom? Still i'm not sorry bout this. I'm not sorry being me. Perhaps, maybe because i didnt know u that well. All i know is that u are one cold hearted person, a selfish dictator who accept "no' as an answer, at any cost, u have to have what u want to have.U always want things to be the way u want things to be. And definitely some one who does not know how to show your true feeling, except your anger. I'm sorry mom, to have to say this, but u'r suffocating me and u drive me crazy. I hate myself when i'm around you mom but i hate you even more, and i was mad at you, and still is. Am i that bad mom, but still, i'm not sorry for this.

Still remember those things that u've once said to me? on the day where i was still that tiny thing who needed her mother. remember how u drove me off and remember how u dump me back then??...wait!, i doubt that!. u probably forgot that one too, the same way u forgot on which day u gave birth to me. I found it rather amusing and ridiculous mom, for u to forget that. And i bet u cant remember the things that i told u, bout what he did to me, bout how he ruined my life. But u turn away mom, u rather to look on other direction than to offer me protection, me....your daughter! Because back then, he worth more to u than i did, didn't he? And believe me mom, for that reason, i grow up being the one i am now, the one who find it too difficult to put her hope and trust on others. Alas, i doubt that u ever knew me mom, doubt that u ever know how i feel and think. Fail to see the beauty in me, like the rest of other people, who fail to see the beauty in me. i doubt lots of things mom, but who are there left to blame, you were never there for me!

But i understand mom, i really do understand why u are such a person. I knew that u've been thru a lot, and i know that u've been burden a lot too. Infact we both have been burn a lot, not by others, but by fate it self. I agreed that fate had rarely been kind to us mom, but deep down i know, that u are a fighter. How u fight the destiny that never been kind to you, people that never been fair to you. In fact there's lots of things that u fought till u became so obsess with fighting, and u forget on how not to fight anymore. U fight for the right to have the say as a mother but u forget on how not to fight of being a mom. U fight for what u want and what u believe, till u forget that others also have their own wants and belief. U fight to stay alive and happy, but mom, u forget that others deserves their own life and laugh too. How u fight your battle, make others trying so hard just to survived. That is why i have to leave mom. i couldn't barely breath because of u.

Yes, i have to leave you mom, as much as i hate you, i also hate to leave you. But the same blood that runs thru your veins, runs in mine too. And i hate to tell you this mom, as much as you as a fighter, i am a fighter as well, but with extra packages, i'm a survivor too, coz i have your fighting instinct and i have dad's cool laid back attitude plus my own surviving character, which make me in a way, unique!. The truth is , i'm a better fighter than u are, better than i've ever known, better than i know anyone else could ever be.

I had few flaws in my life mom, but i'm proud to tell you that i learn everytime i bleed. I know u cant understand this, coz u are the type of person that believe in punishment rather than educate. sorry to tell you this mom, like you, i'll fight my battle but unlike you, i'll win my battle and others that might come along, in my own sweet way. I'll won the battles with grace and honour, with wit and courage. i know that u've failed to do this but I'll put all our misery to an end, in my own terms. For me , for you and for my future kids.

Be patient mom, the time will come where i will survive and win this battle and come back to you, like u always wanted but never realised. Without the same hatred and anger that i still hold inside me. In a meantime, just let me go, let me fly to find my own courage, my own self and my own destiny.

From me,

Your only daughter

Tentang dia.......

2007-10-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

This post is a special post. In this post I’m going to reveal about an issues that I rarely talks about, but frequently being ask. I wish to talk about someone that use to be so special in my life. What makes him so special? Its because, all my life, there’s only one man that I’ve ever love and that man happens to be him. I want to tell you about him, my first love….ABBY.

Its almost a year since I last saw him, since the day we both say goodbye to each other. But I can still recall the 1st time I lay my eyes on him. It was the first day of the semester, and I was wondering, who is this boy with the babyface behind the door. Yellow shirt and pale grey khakis. He was looking at me and giggling with his clique. Odd,…… but cute. We’ve been together since the first time he came up to me and ask me if I would like to go out with him. I was shocked since we’ve never spoken to each other before, but I gave him credit for his bravery, and said yes. It was 8 years ago.

7 blissful but challenging years. How time really flies. I know, some of my friends would tell me how silly I am, for still remembering him, after all, he walks out of my life, 5 month prior to our wedding and 1 month into the engagement. But all I can say is, he’s not that bad. And none of u guys know him and understand him as much as I do. Although I cried a lot during those time that we were together, but I have to admit that we both laugh a lot too, and we both share and learn and grow up together. I had never regretted any single thing about him or about anything that I’ve gone thru while we both are still an item. Infact, if I was given the chance to turn back the clock, I still wish not to change anything.

I still remember, when he told me that its over, it break my heart into million pieces. I don’t know why but every time I cried because of that, I would touch and hold my left chest, the area where my heart sited. I felt as if I was stabbed right thru my heart. At first , I could not accept the fact that he’s leaving but the lesson that I’ve learned from the break up is actually what I wanna share with you guys.

When he left, I was devastated, I was only an inch close to jumping from my 17th floor apartment. But I learned later that LOVE means letting him go. Love doesn’t have to mean to own some one. “Cinta tak semestinyer bersama” I used to heard that, but I’never acknowledge the statement back then. To me if u love some one, definitely u wanna be with them. How I was wrong. Now I know that was not love, that was selfishness. I learn that its better for me to let him go, than to make him stay but he’s not happy being with me. Now I realized and I’m glad that I feel happy too when ever I think of him, I know that he somewhere living out his life the way he want it, happily. And that’s the only thing ,matters now.

For the past 1 year, I’ve learn a lot of things and managed to see lots of other things that I’ve never learn or see or think about it before. I managed to think and question deeply bout my own self, my own life and my own fate in a way that I’ve never managed to think and questions before. I know what I want now, I practically know who I am now and how I want my life to become later. Also the question about life, although I’ve yet to find the answer, but I’m glad that I’m on the quest of finding it. I’ve learn that I’ve done lots of mistake, few wrong turns perhaps, but I’m happy that I’m now on my journey to start back at square one. It’s a little bit difficult but its satisfying, to know that my life now is back on the right track. Although the journey is a little bit bumpy at first, but I know that better things are coming my way.

I also managed to find the real beauty of being me. Things that I’ve never know I had before. I was surprised to received his phone call on the eve that we both were supposed to get married, 5 months after we barely spoken to each other. But what surprised me the most is how I managed to let him know that I hold no grunge towards him after all that had happen, and how I told him that I’ve never blame him for giving me the final blow. I said it and mean it at the same time. As a matter of fact, I’m relieved that we both manage to have a decent conversation, like a close friends, a long lost close friends. Macam tak percaya yg diri sendiri ade kebaikan yg macam tu. Should anybody who knew me from back then, there sure as hell know how I can go ballistic over some idiot that offended me. But now I prefer to just say “ what ever!!!!!!” instead of generating an argument. I guess I’m more settle now, I might have learn on how to accept my fate and learn to look at things from few different perspective. And also, I manage to learn that people thinks and behave differently, so that why we’ve always end up with conflicts. It’s just norm!

I found the level of confidence about my own self that I’ve never knew I had before. And trust me self confidence is the best things that ever happen to me. I have no problem going to the cinema alone, or to just pack my bag pack and travel to north all by myself, or even to start to flirt around with some cute guys ( with cute butt) online or offline. Huhuhuh…..how flirting boost your confidence level, (and NO…I’m not telling you guys, with whom I had my lunch with last Monday) I managed to stand on my own two feet. To know that now I had the total control of my own life, just me and my life. And to know that there’s more to life than just this. To fly and to realized that the sky is no longer the limit.

That’s the beauty part. While the ugly fact, of course, the solitude that I have to go thru now. To realized that there’s no longer the familiar face with the familiar smile everytime I had a rough day at work. But that make me realized that I need to get my self a replacement. So it keep me thinking of the right kindda “replacement”. Last time I thought comey and “ ber wang” jer dah cukup. Tapi….not anymore, biler pikir2 balik rupanyer criteria tu jatuh ke tangga ke 11 dalam carta. Ader 10 criteria lain yg penting rupanyer in selecting my other half to make me a whole. Choosy????....maybe , maybe not. I prefer to call it planning!

And biler dah back in the single status ni la baru realized, “ owh …rupanyer mencintai dan di cintai adalah satu nikmat”. And looking back, I’m sorry that I ‘ve rarely take the effort to let Abby know how I feel, bout him and about us. So now I learn that if u got something to say, just say it, before it’s too late. Maybe, we are too scared that maybe the results that we’ll received may not be the outcome that we’ve expected, but if we just keep it, we will never know what the outcome. Trust me, to leave things hanging like that, without any closure, that’s the worst that u could do to yourself. My best lesson I think is how I learn on how to actually love some one. Now I know that love is neither selfish, greed nor possessive. Love means accepting and giving unconditionally, no matter what or who or how or when.

The truth is, from my break up, I’ve learn lots of things. Things that I definitely not going to learn thru text book. I learn about LIFE and how to live this life. And I glad that we both were parted, or else I might not grow and become who I am right now.

To Abby……….

As crazy as this may sound, I just wanna say thank you for the whole seven years of laugh, pain and tears that we’ve once share and thank you for being cruel to me just to be kind. Where ever you are, what ever you’ve become, I hope that you are happy, and I’ll always be happy for you too, the same way that I know you’ll be happy for me. And what ever the grace that GOD have given me, I hope he gave the same to you………………

So long, love!

********KORORO*****

Pain and fear.

2007-09-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, i took the liberty to leave my work...took some time off...and guess what?.....I went for a movie.Someone told me that "The brave one'' was a great movie, so i go and check it out...
Although it carries the questions bout life after a devastating incident..but to me...the story tells us about hopes.....hopes that sound and seems too good to be true.

As absurd as it may sound, most of us have no clue how ones live with pain and fear.Some optimist mind who was born in heaven and shipped to this world may said, "owh..how pity...i'm sorry...lets change this world to become a better place" but none of them truely realised that this is life thou.Remember when Mercer ask erica '" how did you put it back together after what happen to yourself?"...She anwers " You don't !..you become someone else"....I have to agree with that.

The things bout some kind of pain is....it will never leave you. In fact it comes in a packages that include fear...and tears. U think that it might not touch u, untill it finally did, and you are no longer the same person that u used to be, and it stays till the day u die. Some whom survived any form of unjusticed done towards them would understands how hard it is to live out the days aftermath, how to become normal again. U've tried...and u keep on trying but u wont be normal like others. Then the only option that left are to put on some mask on your face, and trying so hard to be "Perfect", coz that's is all u have left..being perfect. u try so hard to be perfect that your souls weary and your courage weaken.

You caught between who you was...and who you are now. U are confuse and can't even recognise yourselves anymore. you wish to be the old you, but the pain made you become who you are now. Remember?? " there's so many ways to die, but u have to find a way to live, that's the hardest part!"..remember?. And it is not a subject that you can talk about. The pain and fear forbid you from talking about it. Even if you try, you'll choke.

Erica was lucky, God sent her an angel(Mercer), to watch over her shoulder, to look at her in the eyes and feel the pain she felt, without she's making an effort to say a word bout it. But in this gruesome world...it was a rare case of luck. And if it does happen to any of us survivors, i would have to say.." God must have fancy him/her more than me".

I'm sorry...i'm not whining, neither i'm trying to be weepy bout my fate. It just that i just wanna say " i'm sorry that u could not understand why it is soo difficult for me to get to the other side, as much as you said u understand, i know that u wont...because you were never here on this side of the river."........................."i'm trying and i keep on trying but i couldn't go that far coz of burden that i carried keep pulling my down, and it wont leave me and it never will ".

Some one told me '"time will heal the wound". I guess he forgot that it will heal the wound but it will leave you a scar that remains there forever.The funny things bout this pain is.....it can happen to anyone, instead he chooses u, so you left to linger with a question mark........" why me?"..................

whisper me a wonderfull dream, in which hope that come from HIM, so i can try & make this heart believe, it is the time to lay and sleep, not the time to fear and weep.......

I will be the answer at the end of the line, I will be there for you while you take the time, In the burning of uncertainty, I will be your solid ground, I will hold the balance if you cant look down, If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend, It ll all be worth it worth it in the end, Cause I can only tell you what I know, that I need you in my life, When the stars have all gone out, u'll still be burning so bright, Cast me gently into morning, For the night has been unkind, Take me to a place so holy, That I can wash this from my mind, The memory of choosing not to fight,

Life on the fast lane 2

2007-08-13T18:53:00.001-07:00

Dont panic! Your not seeing double vision here. yes ...i know its the same tittle...its a continuation bro, chilled out! Yesterday..i was complaining bout life on the fast lane. Today i think i'm going to explain the "life on the fast lane" in my own term.

My boss anouncing that we will be receiving the LA for our next project, next month.(yea..! that means another additional 1 month bonus for the year)...That was the good news. Then comes the BAD news " My dear XXXXXX, i want you to lead the team for this project, its your field"...Ok..ok i heard you say, "how bad can it be when you're handling a project that is still in the boundary of your knowledge, besides its a good starting point to gain experinece n knowledge".

But pardon me, almost 80% of the inquiries that come in or future bussiness plan that had been map up involves me and my opinion.Thats mean , extra files to bring back every saturday afternoon. Huh! !!!!!!

I can still recall my boss saying " i want to allocate alittle of my workload, so i can reduce my travel frequency! I'm missing out on my baby's life"..I wish to tell my boss now " boss i 've yet to have kids but i'm planning to have one in 2 years time....BUT i've yet to meet my future baby's daddy!"

i've always complaining how time seem to fly thesedays. Wake up n go to work, meeting...meetings and more meetings, sitting in your cubicle , staring at the monitor...then suddenly..waaalahh...its already 5.30.Then rush myself...coz i need to be "there" by 8, i reallized i didnt memorize my "hafazan"...Hmmmm that's it...i'm screwed ..again!

Sometimes, i love to look at the world, looking at other peoples life...how's everything move like it is in a fast forward motion.How their scheduled are pack with " god knows what" activities! How everything have to be either "fast' or "quick".....Fast food, quick drive, quick chat even fast love! . And i'm thinking....hey this second...happens only once in yourlife time....and what did i do about it?.....The answer..."Nothing important!, Does it matter?"

To me... yes it does, but like the rest of us, i was and still neglecting the essence of time just bcz i'm busy chasing for the 'time' of the future,where the thruth is, when the expected "time" arrived, we are still going to do "nothing important". I wish i can just lay back n chill out n live life in the slow motion but this is how things work here, in this concrete jungle. Life on the fast lane, is sometimes fun, its like doing 170 or more on the freeway. its was fun for the adrenalin rush but once you hit the devider...you'r doom!

So sometimes i just love to watch the city from the highest peak that i manage to find, watching the neons flickering from afar, as if as the whole things suddenly came to a stand still. This is my "R&R" from the fast lane. so that i can take a break, recharge and ready for another round of this crazy life ....in order for me to "joie de vivre".

ADIOS PEOPLE.....

******* KORORO*****8

Life on the fast lane

2007-08-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hi there........it's been a while since my last post. Sorry...but i've been busy.....Infact " sorry...! i've been busy" is the most uttered sentences that come out of my less than pouty lips.But its true, with my new job which is fun but demanding ( which i hate and love it at the same time), extra responsibilities ( thank god my "baby" due next week!)and totally new life to manage.

And i'm complaining, and will keep on complaining, not because i hate things around me...but just because i love to complain and mumble bout things in my own mumbo jumbo words. Hahahahah.......as weird as i may sound but it just a way that i know that my mind are working properly. Besides, i think this is the way to live your life on the fast lane.

U wake up...than u complain bout the back ache (coz the matress is not good enough or bcz u need new pillow) and the headache (coz u think u lack of sleep). Then comes the chill tap water, the " just wear this last week" outfit!The slow lift...even slower driver right infront of you....bla..bla..bla....the list go on untill late at nite when u are about to sleep...u still murmured to yourself silently.." gosh! i had a rough day at work@ class@ gathering.....n i really need a full body massage!". u wake up the next morning and the same cycle again.

Life on the fast lane, is fun some times, but on a daily basis, i have to reconsider. But its not that i have any other option, i was force due to my commitment, my desires and my dreams of greater things to come.Which means i have to sustain this for afew more years.Besides i dont know what to do everytime i hit the 4th day of my holidays. My brain's neuron seems to stop growing everytime i lay down , locked myself in my room( coz i try to avoid to listen to my aunty A, auntyB and Aunty C boasting bout their kids, my cousin X, Y n Z) and do nothing but stared at the ceiling.

Well... seems like i dont have any other choice rite but to remain as the mumbling drama queen.Dont worry...its only for temporary, once i've decided to settle down n go slow with life, i'll impress every one with my angelic status ( hahahahahhah.....i wish!)

K...got to go...another monday morning meeting to attend. haaaaa...how i hate monday morning!...but i love my self!

******KORORO*****

Looking for love.....all in the wrong directions.

2007-06-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

Hi there , its me again.......,, sensitive issue huh? whatever..... i'm just writing my view..

Ok...where shall i start, love...what is love thou? Is it the feeling when the one past u by..u noticed your heart beat faster? or suddenly there's butterflies in your stomach? what ever it is or how u defined it...we all know what is love...... or are they lust?. I don't know ...u tell me.

Love ....is it just between man and woman? what about parents and child, sisters, friends?I believe each of us agreed that we all at some point of our life needs love, in fact love is the one that brings us here, HE loves me, so here i am, breathing peacefully while conveying my thoughts.

Love in the wrong direction, we all have bumped into it.

Situation 1:
He's giving us all that we've have, everything that we've taken for granted for all the time.We keep asking for more.....and all that we wanted is .....more. Have we ever thanks him for all that we have? I doubt that. Yet we still believe that He is the one we run to when the going get tough, but we give credit to ourselves when thing goes according to plan. He gave us guidance, but do we obey? I doubt that one too. One are so busy occupying one selves for the love of unpromising momentary happiness, wealth and fame. One grieves for the lost of their loves one, their fetish lifestyles and their majestic status, but i wonder did one ever grieves for the lost of love that one should have towards THE ONE. But still he loves us dearly, coz if he doesn't , you wont be here reading my blog.

Situation 2:
A friend of mine had just deliver her first child, I can still recall her sentence" Isn't he the most beautiful things you've ever lay your eyes on to?". Yes agreed, i was also enchanted by his innocent brownish eyes, the soft tender skin of that bundle of joy.But time will flies and he'll grows, he'll break your favourite vase, throw tantrum every now and then and even put the cat in the washing machine. But is she able to slap him as a punishment for his nuisance or she let him get away with it just because he is "the most beautiful things she ever lay her eyes on to"? I dont know, i've never been in her shoes. What happen if 25 yrs down the road the so called " most beautiful things" walk out of her life. Will she regrets the amount of love that she had given him?.Is she looking for love all in the wrong direction? I dont know, you justify.

On the other side, i know someone who gave up her child custody, to the ex...... less than 2 years after she deliver the bundle of joy. All she wanted is a new man, a new life, occasional visit to the daughter or by the daughter, and a fix monthly allowance from the daughter when she reached financial security and claim her position in the professional world, where the fact is for the past 20 yrs, she couldnt correctly recall in which year she gave birth to the baby girl. Was she looking for love in the wrong direction?

And the baby, couldnt understand why for the 1st quarter of her life, she was not loved by the one person that she want to be loved by, she couldn't understand why she grow up with strangers and raised up by strangers. Only after so many rejection by the one who shouldn't rejected her, she began to realised...." she don't want me so i don't need her too, i need only myself". So she woke up from her sleep and start to live her life the way she want it, play by her own rule, trying to be tough when deep down , at one corner of her empty heart, she was too....looking for love all in the wrong direction. Which lead to the 3rd situation.

Situation 3.
We all are too familiar with this life drama, girl meet boy, boy meet girl, love at the first sight and live happily ever after....except its not the case of happily ever after, its doom ever after. There is this girl i know, she is smart, strong willing, independent and she almost everything a metropolitan girl wanted to be. But she fall in love and she is no longer the smart girl she used to be. She lets the emotion runs deep, and lets emotion take control over her rational. Sustaining years of emotional abused and self destruction just for the sake of having the wrong kind of love.Only when she had hit the very bottom of her life, where she feels like its the end of her everything she was save by the right kind of love. The one that she purposely avoid due to the lack of another wrong kind of love. Is she at first looking for love in the wrong direction. I don't know?

The Truth is, even i dont know what is the right direction for us to be looking for love. The definition of true love for you might be different from me. But i know now that there is 1 love that is true, the one that stands beyond the test of time, the one that stands above the difficulties of life, the one who never demands too much in return of the vast favour.The one that always give but rarely takes.

And I also know that for us to know what is the true love, is for us to start to love our self.

***********KORORO**************

The duck and the devil

2007-06-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it.
He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper." Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally make a slave of you.

**********Thought for the day and every day thereafter************************
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil Keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad Habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ....whatever it is....You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave Of you.The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He Not only forgives you, but He forgets . It is by God's grace and Mercy that we are saved.Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share This with a friend and always remember : God is at the window.

*******KORORO******

STAR FISH

2007-06-12T20:23:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore.

As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean. As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, " Throwing starfish in the ocean." "I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?" "The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach, and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!" The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one. "There is something very special in each and every one of us. We have all been gifted with the ability to make a difference, and if we can become aware of that gift, we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future. We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the world will be blessed.

From a friend, to a friend, by a friend.......*****kororo*****

YOU and i collide

2007-06-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

It is another day, when i feel like standing on the top of the highest tower, watching the sun set, passing by.But with the different view n perspective bout life, love & lived your life.Feel so nice when you can feel the wind touches your skin n it feels even better the moment i step out of my own life just to see the world n life itself.

What am i talking about?. I heard you say. But i'm glad that i took the right turn.And i'm blessed that life have start to take the shape, as i want life to.Sure, i've took a few wrong turns last time n endup in such a mess where i though i could never found the way out. Just when i thought i've lost my last hope and my courage are breaking, HE took me under HIS wing.
Showing me the other side of life,the side in which i purposely avoid thru the whole duration of my journey. Life was easy back then ..... but meaningless.Life was great back then....but something is missing.

I found myself scared, confused and tanggled with the fact that He've taken me into his arm,can't bring myself at ease.I'm scared to know that i'm always in His mind. Keep asking " why did u choose me?". Still the question remained unanswered.But everywhere i turn i found signs that He have chosen me. It was hard, it was difficult and it was scary at first. Coz i still love the old me, i still love being the crazy me...the irresponsible, selfish, hardheaded, strong willing me.I was and still is scared, out of my own judgement, i try to run away. But i know, i can run or hide but i may not escape from my destiny.

So now i choose to stop running, but i'll take baby steps till i fully grown, at the phased and speed that offer me comfort, no matter what other's told me on how i should actually run the show.I still trying to fit the old me into the new me so that i might not end up trying to choose between the two.

Thank you, for all this. And thank you, i know that YOU'll always be there for me and guide me, and although i still haven't found the answers for all the questions, i'm glad that out of the darkness that have clouded me and all the doubt that have filled my mind, i found YOU and I collided.

******KORORO*******

Dare to be different

2007-06-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Dare to be different! hmmmmmmm what a tittle right?
Actually its is easier to said than done.Why am i having this blog? Coz i like to tell stories ( i might as well become a story teller- but unfortunately that's not the case).
Another question.... why did i choose this subject matter as the maiden post. Well becaused lately i've been noticing how different i am compare to other typical 26yrs old asian chick around.I've noticed that i was different since the day i've started to remember things, but it never struck my 3lb brain its going to be hard( i'm talking bout "hard" hard here...not 'cheesecake' hard).

He're the scenario.... a 26yrs old lass, fell of a bike( bicycle not motorcycle), with her bleeding toe walk back to the office, n laugh to her subordiantes.Why did i say this is different......well to my knowledge, any other lass who get caught in the condition might as well walk back to the office n firing ammo to her subordinates for not warning her of the break mulfunction.But to me "teen age" n youth is once in a life time moment where over the time those crazy stuff that u do will fade away. So why should i be mad to my staff.....i might as well laugh about it n keep it in my " been there done that " life jar.

The thruth is.....some people there are so afraid to be comfortable in their own skin, they let all the sweetnes n beauty of life slipped away. Some times we are too concern bout what other's might say bout us that we start to put other's happiness before us. I personnaly felt pity for them, they spends half of their fortune trying to find the " eternal beauty" when they dont know what is the real meaning of the word. To me...... beautiful did not lies in the ''visible matters" it lies deep down. its how u feel about your own self. How u feel comfortable being U.Believe it or not, the moment u start to acknowledge yourself, u'll start to glow n people will notice how beautiful u are n only some who truely smart will noticed how special u are.....and that' s the real beauty.

So sisters why wait, take charge of your life,a long as u hurt nobody, there's no sin in trying to be u. Yea....i know, the air will start to fill with gossip n bad mouthing bout you, but u know what,,,just forgive them coz they are actually "envy"ing u.Have mercy on their poor souls, or the most...just tell them " talk to the hand coz the ear aint listening". Try it....trust me.....its worth it........ KORORO