Another reality of life .......ANNA

It is still raining heavily outside, but still, Anna refused to switch off the air conditioner. Instead, she opt to wrap her self and her companion with the white comforter of the king size bed. “This is how I like it” she said. The soft murmured that come out of her less than pouty lips indicated that she all too sleepy to bother for anymore conversation with her gentleman of the night.

The question of “should or shouldn’t I do this” has long gone, together with few hundred bucks that she handed over to the man next to her. Anna having the difficulties to explain why she did what she did. There’s no concrete reason, it just that, now, at these instant, this is just the only way. Its been months now , since Anna started to feel the heat of her own ambition. Since the past few months, she been questioning her own sensibility.

Is it worth it? Is my dream worth all the burden?

****************************************************
Anna had this blur strings of memory of her childhood. She can recall what ordeal that she has to go thru, her entire life. But she’s only able to recall only the surface of that vast memories, not to penetrate to the depth of it. At one corner of her mind, she’s actually thankful that the incident where she knocked her head, had prevented her from remembering all the hurtful memories of her childhood.

As far as Anna could recall, she did not have even a blured memories of having a decent family. All she knows that her parents separated when she was barely 2 years old. Her mother left to be in the arm of another man. And Anna since then live with strangers, aunties and grannies, until the day her father come and claimed her, it was years later. But still there’ is one face that Anna hope to show up at her doorstep. It was the face of the woman that gave birth to her. Now, looking back at those memories, Anna regretted the amount of love she held in her heart for her, for she clearly did not worth that amount of love.

Anna could still recall, the joy she felt when her mother finally showed up, to claim her, with a promise of a better life, far more than what her underprivileged estate working father can give. A promise that definitely swept any 9 years old bubbly little girl off her feet. Little that Anna knew that for the next 2 years of her life, she’ll be living in hell, sustaining physical and emotional abuse due to her mother bad temperament, and sexual violence from her mother’s then boy friend whom she called “AYAH”.

And Anna definitely could still recall the looked on her mother’s face when she told her that AYAH forcefully stripped her off her cloth and force his manhood into her. She turn away, yes she turn away from her only daughter. Anna couldn’t remember how many time the beast that she called “AYAH” raped her poor 10 years old body. “Too painful to recall” she said. All she can remember is, how she cried and cried and how she hate God for not answering her prayers, for not being fair to her. And thus that being the reason why Anna grow up choosing to abandoned religion and to deny love to and from any human being.

She admit that God does exist, but she failed to make herself believe that GOD was kind to her. And Anna had never put any hope on anyone either. “What’s the point?” she said, “they’ll hurt me in one way or another”. Anna, use to hate and fear men, but not any more, now she just find it too difficult to trust them, let alone love them. Anna trust and believe only herself, only herself. Time has successfully transform Anna from once an ugly duckling to an amazing swan who turns head with her alluring charm and poise and wit and intelligent. But Anna also possesses the kind of rudeness, stubbornness and rebelliousness like no one had ever seen before. The kind which left others with a lingering question,….. “ what is wrong with this charming lady?”.

************************************************** *******

Anna woke up from her deep slumber, the warmth clinch that accompany her sleep hours ago are now gone. She didn’t expect for her companion to still be here once she open her eyes. As far as she concern, the gentleman, has fully submit to the professionalism of his job, by respecting Anna’s one and only order for the night. Which is just talking; and snuggling but no SEX. As outrages as it may sound, Anna are all too well to understand the condemn and insult that she has to put up with if others were to know of her recent development. How desperate can Anna be? To pay a stranger just to hug her and talk to her, in an intelligent way.

Yes, probably Anna is too desperate, but conclusively Anna is neither desperate for SEX, nor money. She is just too desperate to find someone that she can talk to and offer her cares and gentleness. Someone who can look right thru her, and saw the scars of her broken heart. Someone who would take her by the hand and show it that there is still kindness in this life, and to make her believe that she herself deserve a second chance to feel happy.

As Anna looked out to the mosque right across the park, she reflected back on her journey to change her destiny that she initiated more than a year ago. How she intricately trying to change herself to the better, to once again humbly bow to her creator after so many long years of grudge, to leave behind all her wild partying with the girls, smoking and prescribed drug just to help her to ease the pain. To start everything back at square one, a wonderful career, a new found circle of friends, a totally new way of life.

Sound good huh?!..but not so, not when some people with the attitude of “I’m way better than thou”, insisted Anna to push herself to become a better person, at a rate that she can’t barely handle. When those people who supposed to show Anna the light that is supposedly guide her home told her that what she been doing now is not enough to promise her heaven, Anna broke down and cry. “ how could they condemn me for not trying hard enough?. Didn’t they see the burden that I had to carry, that slowing me down”.

As Anna weep and weep again, her heart now begin to accept, that maybe, she was not be destined for even a glance of heaven……………..

The questions now people, are :
1) is anna to be blame for choosing to give up trying to change her life.
2) is she a slut for paying a stranger just to pretend that he understands how she feels about life. 3) Have we, the sometimes self claim "i'm way better than thou" done enough just to understand Anna.

Sound too disgrace to be true??, maybe some people are due for a reality check. This is life thou.Welcome to the real world.....