A story about sacrifices.

Hi there,.................... its been a while since the last post. I've been extremely busy since the past month. FYI...i just came back from my day trip to Kemaman yesterday.

You know what..... i believe and i knew that things are progressing really positively for my career path since the past few months. The Angsi project which i hand in hand lead together with another enginneer, are now reaching its "steady state" phase. And God permits, were are going to set our foot on the Angsi platform in the next 2 weeks time.

Also, due to my hardwork, i am now one of the key person in the company future bread and butter, the GTL project. Hmmmmmm things are developing wonderfully right?, just as i wished for.

Yes, i wish for this, and i supposed to feel nothing less than happier or extremely delighted. But to tell you the truth, since the past 2 weeks, i barely sleep soundly. And i have to confess that this morning, when i arrived at the office, looking at my table, where i found another two more new tender documents on my table, i broke down and weep silently in my cubicle.

I dont know....i just dont know why, but suddenly i felt that i could not held back the tears anymore. Its not that i'm sad, but i just feel that i cant take it anymore. Its not that i'm whinning bout my work responsibilities, it just that suddenly i feel an unbearable pressure. Its not that i have a dozen project to monitor, neither it is a 50 million dollars worth of contract that i need to make a decision of. But it just that i feel amiss bout the whole things.

i guess its probably due to my own expectations towards my own self. For the things that i cared the most, I always set the bar a little bit higher towards myself, higher than other's expectation towards me. Its a good attitude though, but i guess this time, it went back fired. I'm feeling the heat of my own expectations. I hate it when ever i sense that there's someone better than me. I guess i have the attitude of " i have to be better than others". The truth is, there's someone in the office whom has become my rival. i know that i'm still way better than her, but the fact that she trying to make an effort to overshadow my capabilities, upset me.I felt the urge of a constants need to improved myself, untill i finally felt tired.

Yes, i guess that is the word that i've been looking for, TIRED or worst WORN OUT. I guess u must be wondering, what on earth that i did that exhaust me. I guess it because i keep on pushing myself to the max. I bet everybody gonna say that determination is the best virtue of all, in pursuing your dream. But i also bet that no one ever told you that determination without a concrete supporting element will lead to disaster. I never knew about this and no one care to let me know about this, but should i blame these people? I guess not, since each and everyone of us also was not warned bout this, i believe everyone too learn bout this reality of life from the greatest teacher of all, the experience.

I guess i'm just longing for a familiar face, with familiar smile, familiar voice and certainly, a very familiar warm comforting hug. A familiarity whom i called a shoulder to cry on. But i presume, this must be the price that i have to pay for in order for me to accomplish my dream.

This is what i called "Sacrifices"...and as i'm typing the last words of this posting, my heart still aches eventhough my tears has long gone.................


...................................................KORORO..............................