Its almost a year since I last saw him, since the day we both say goodbye to each other. But I can still recall the 1st time I lay my eyes on him. It was the first day of the semester, and I was wondering, who is this boy with the babyface behind the door. Yellow shirt and pale grey khakis. He was looking at me and giggling with his clique. Odd,…… but cute. We’ve been together since the first time he came up to me and ask me if I would like to go out with him. I was shocked since we’ve never spoken to each other before, but I gave him credit for his bravery, and said yes. It was 8 years ago.
7 blissful but challenging years. How time really flies. I know, some of my friends would tell me how silly I am, for still remembering him, after all, he walks out of my life, 5 month prior to our wedding and 1 month into the engagement. But all I can say is, he’s not that bad. And none of u guys know him and understand him as much as I do. Although I cried a lot during those time that we were together, but I have to admit that we both laugh a lot too, and we both share and learn and grow up together. I had never regretted any single thing about him or about anything that I’ve gone thru while we both are still an item. Infact, if I was given the chance to turn back the clock, I still wish not to change anything.
I still remember, when he told me that its over, it break my heart into million pieces. I don’t know why but every time I cried because of that, I would touch and hold my left chest, the area where my heart sited. I felt as if I was stabbed right thru my heart. At first , I could not accept the fact that he’s leaving but the lesson that I’ve learned from the break up is actually what I wanna share with you guys.
When he left, I was devastated, I was only an inch close to jumping from my 17th floor apartment. But I learned later that LOVE means letting him go. Love doesn’t have to mean to own some one. “Cinta tak semestinyer bersama” I used to heard that, but I’never acknowledge the statement back then. To me if u love some one, definitely u wanna be with them. How I was wrong. Now I know that was not love, that was selfishness. I learn that its better for me to let him go, than to make him stay but he’s not happy being with me. Now I realized and I’m glad that I feel happy too when ever I think of him, I know that he somewhere living out his life the way he want it, happily. And that’s the only thing ,matters now.
For the past 1 year, I’ve learn a lot of things and managed to see lots of other things that I’ve never learn or see or think about it before. I managed to think and question deeply bout my own self, my own life and my own fate in a way that I’ve never managed to think and questions before. I know what I want now, I practically know who I am now and how I want my life to become later. Also the question about life, although I’ve yet to find the answer, but I’m glad that I’m on the quest of finding it. I’ve learn that I’ve done lots of mistake, few wrong turns perhaps, but I’m happy that I’m now on my journey to start back at square one. It’s a little bit difficult but its satisfying, to know that my life now is back on the right track. Although the journey is a little bit bumpy at first, but I know that better things are coming my way.
I also managed to find the real beauty of being me. Things that I’ve never know I had before. I was surprised to received his phone call on the eve that we both were supposed to get married, 5 months after we barely spoken to each other. But what surprised me the most is how I managed to let him know that I hold no grunge towards him after all that had happen, and how I told him that I’ve never blame him for giving me the final blow. I said it and mean it at the same time. As a matter of fact, I’m relieved that we both manage to have a decent conversation, like a close friends, a long lost close friends. Macam tak percaya yg diri sendiri ade kebaikan yg macam tu. Should anybody who knew me from back then, there sure as hell know how I can go ballistic over some idiot that offended me. But now I prefer to just say “ what ever!!!!!!” instead of generating an argument. I guess I’m more settle now, I might have learn on how to accept my fate and learn to look at things from few different perspective. And also, I manage to learn that people thinks and behave differently, so that why we’ve always end up with conflicts. It’s just norm!
I found the level of confidence about my own self that I’ve never knew I had before. And trust me self confidence is the best things that ever happen to me. I have no problem going to the cinema alone, or to just pack my bag pack and travel to north all by myself, or even to start to flirt around with some cute guys ( with cute butt) online or offline. Huhuhuh…..how flirting boost your confidence level, (and NO…I’m not telling you guys, with whom I had my lunch with last Monday) I managed to stand on my own two feet. To know that now I had the total control of my own life, just me and my life. And to know that there’s more to life than just this. To fly and to realized that the sky is no longer the limit.
That’s the beauty part. While the ugly fact, of course, the solitude that I have to go thru now. To realized that there’s no longer the familiar face with the familiar smile everytime I had a rough day at work. But that make me realized that I need to get my self a replacement. So it keep me thinking of the right kindda “replacement”. Last time I thought comey and “ ber wang” jer dah cukup. Tapi….not anymore, biler pikir2 balik rupanyer criteria tu jatuh ke tangga ke 11 dalam carta. Ader 10 criteria lain yg penting rupanyer in selecting my other half to make me a whole. Choosy????....maybe , maybe not. I prefer to call it planning!
And biler dah back in the single status ni la baru realized, “ owh …rupanyer mencintai dan di cintai adalah satu nikmat”. And looking back, I’m sorry that I ‘ve rarely take the effort to let Abby know how I feel, bout him and about us. So now I learn that if u got something to say, just say it, before it’s too late. Maybe, we are too scared that maybe the results that we’ll received may not be the outcome that we’ve expected, but if we just keep it, we will never know what the outcome. Trust me, to leave things hanging like that, without any closure, that’s the worst that u could do to yourself. My best lesson I think is how I learn on how to actually love some one. Now I know that love is neither selfish, greed nor possessive. Love means accepting and giving unconditionally, no matter what or who or how or when.
The truth is, from my break up, I’ve learn lots of things. Things that I definitely not going to learn thru text book. I learn about LIFE and how to live this life. And I glad that we both were parted, or else I might not grow and become who I am right now.
To Abby……….
As crazy as this may sound, I just wanna say thank you for the whole seven years of laugh, pain and tears that we’ve once share and thank you for being cruel to me just to be kind. Where ever you are, what ever you’ve become, I hope that you are happy, and I’ll always be happy for you too, the same way that I know you’ll be happy for me. And what ever the grace that GOD have given me, I hope he gave the same to you………………
So long, love!
********KORORO*****
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